


Like Chalk and Cheese

by Mareepysheepy



Category: South Park
Genre: Cartman is not bromancing Craig today, F/M, M/M, Poor Craig, Poor Heidi, Set following Doubling Down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-02-01 00:54:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12693699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareepysheepy/pseuds/Mareepysheepy
Summary: Craig isn’t honestly sure why Cartman is seeking him -of all people- out for a conversation about relationships.But he is definitely sure that he’s offended.





	Like Chalk and Cheese

**Author's Note:**

> Shamelessly drabbly, and dialogue-heavy. I considered putting it on my tumblr instead but that meant going upstairs to my computer and... eh.

When the doorbell goes and Craig’s mom calls for him saying that it’s a friend, Craig already knows it’s not Tweek. One: he texts ahead, two: if he comes over without a text, he’s panicking which results in the doorbell being hammered on twenty times in rapid succession. He also suspects that it’s not Clyde (he tends to use his fist to hit the door), Jimmy (Super School News editing day), or Token ( _they_ go to _his_ house. Not the other way around.)

Craig thinks all of this very quickly and it’s so ingrained into him that he doesn’t even really think it so much as knows. This instantaneous knowledge gives him a sinking feeling in his chest. Because that only leaves a select few kids who’d ring his doorbell. And he doesn’t really like any of the other options.

He reaches the door in no particular hurry. When his mother steps aside, he comes face to face with Eric Cartman.

 _Fuck me_ , Craig thinks.

“Craig,” Cartman nods.

“What do _you_ want?” Craig responds, reaching for the doorknob.

Cartman leans against the door frame and inspects his nails in an almost comical display of being casual. “Craig, what holds you back from murdering Tweek?” Cartman asks in a conversational tone.

Craig stops reaching for the door handle and stares at him silently for nearly half a minute. “What?” He says finally.

Cartman sighs like _Craig_ is the one who’s a fucking psycho, and _he’s_ the unfortunate thrust into the role of amateur psychiatrist. “Tweek. What holds you back from murdering him? Is it the fear of prison? Unsure how to do it? I’m interested to know.”

“None of the above,” Craig says flatly. His stupor passes. He grabs the door handle and yanks, pulling the door towards himself.

Cartman catches the door with one hand before it can shut. He’s irritatingly strong and for a moment, Craig is grateful that he’s shitty at fighting because he’s extremely formidable.

“Ah, so it’s a different reason?” Cartman asks. It almost scares Craig that he looks entirely genuine.

“Dude, what the _fuck_?” Craig says, a little bewildered and pissed off if he’s honest. “Why the fuck would I want to kill Tweek?”

“C’mon, Craig,” Cartman says in a weirdly understanding tone. He gives him a conspiratorial wink.

“I’m serious. I don’t want to kill Tweek. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Craig replies. His voice his still pretty flat, but the volume of it is starting to rise as he feels tendrils of irritation start to uncurl within him, snaking down his arms and legs to his fingertips and toes. It feels like noise on the old television sets crawling along his skin.

“ _Seriously?_ ” It’s Cartman’s turn to look disbelieving. “Seriously?”

“Why would I want to?” Craig asks. It’s more of a rhetorical question, but Cartman chooses not to catch that.

“He’s annoying,” Cartman supplies.

“Dude, that’s my boyfriend,” Craig scowls. It’s his nasty scowl. The one that used to scare his classmates until they figured out that he’s a stupid, soft sap who turns to goo around guinea pigs and twitchy blonds.

“Yes!” Cartman says like he’s had a fucking revelation. “Precisely. Which is why you probably want to kill him, right?”

Craig’s scowl eases in favour of looking at Cartman like he’s grown a second head. “ _Why_ would I want to kill my boyfriend?”

“Craig, you can’t honestly tell me that Tweek doesn’t drive you crazy,” Cartman scoffs.

The frown lines return, but softer this time. He’s not about to flat out lie. Relationships aren’t all rainbows and cupcakes. What relevance this has to Cartman though is anyone’s guess, but the guy often seems slightly detached from reality.

“Of course he drives me crazy sometimes,” Craig answers truthfully. “I’m sure that I drive him crazy sometimes too. But I’ve never thought of resorting to homicide. That’s a pretty extreme solution to resolving a fight, and it’d suck ass if he wasn’t around any more.”

“Hmm,” Cartman looks genuinely disbelieving. “So you say.”

“Why are you so interested…” Craig trails off, belated understanding dawning on him with embarrassing slowness. He tries not to feel bad about that. He really, really does his best not to pay attention to the lives of the other assholes in school after all. But now Craig remembers a scene from a few weeks ago. Cartman storming down the school hallway, confronting Kyle about… something. Craig hadn’t cared and had walked off, but Tweek had filled him in later that it was something about something and Heidi and something.

“Are you comparing me and Tweek to you and Heidi?” He says finally, once all of his neurons have fired. The words turn his expression sour.

“Craig, as a fellow dude trapped in a relationship, you were the best choice of a bad lot,” Cartman explains.

“What about Stan?”

“Stan’s a pussy,” Cartman replies, as if that offers any explanation.

“Token?”

“Craig, you and I both know that he’s black,” Cartman says. Craig waits for him to expand on that. He doesn’t.

Craig makes a frustrated noise. “Well me and Tweek are nothing like you two, we-”

“Clearly,” Cartman interrupts. “Heidi doesn’t have a dick. Duh.”

“Urgh,” is all Craig can get out. With some effort, he pushes on the door. “Bye.”

Before he can get the door fully shut, Cartman sucks in a quick, deep breath and bellows out: “Mrs Tuuuuckeeeeer! Craig’s being meeeean!”

“For fuck’s sake,” Craig snaps, jerking the door open again. This time, he steps out into the cold and slams the door behind himself. “What exactly do you want from me? I _don’t_ want to kill Tweek. We’re in a _normal_ relationship.”

“Maybe you’re still in the Honeymoon phase,” Cartman says with some pity. “I still remember it… like spring warmth. But it ends, Craig. It ends. Winter comes.”

“I think you’ll find that I’ve been in a relationship for longer than you have,” Craig points out.

“No offence,” Cartman says, making Craig brace himself, ready to be offended. “But I’m in a straight relationship, okay? One year for you is like a decade for us.”

“Dude,” Craig says slowly, disbelieving. He can’t make sense of that and it hurts his brain. “I’m pretty sure that gay relationships and straight relationships work about the same way.”

“Oh… oh man,” Cartman laughs. “Craig you are going to be really surprised when you see what’s in his pants then.”

“For the love of—” Craig cuts himself off. It’s not worth it. This entire conversation is starting to really piss him off. He wants Cartman to go away and leave him to finish off Stripe #4’s adventure playground. It’s waiting for him down in the basement. Tweek wants a photo of it when it’s done. Cartman is keeping him from that, all from an imagined sense sense of… what? Bastardised brotherhood? It makes Craig want to shudder. The very thought of Cartman thinking that he and Tweek are remotely comparable is just fucked up  

“Look. I really don’t give a shit, but why are you with Heidi if you hate her so much?” He asks, hoping that listening to Cartman’s shit will make him go away.

“You don’t understand, Craig. She keeps trying to make me change. She won’t be satisfied until I’m a shadow of the man I am today. She’s like… a succubus. Trapping me with her dark arts and draining the life out of me. She’s robbed me of _me_.” Cartman speaks with so much conviction that for a scary moment, Craig is certain that he’s convinced himself that all of that is true. As if anything could make Eric Cartman stop being Eric Cartman.

“You’re the one who sounds too pussy to leave her,” Craig shrugs.

“Hey! I’m not a pussy,” Cartman shouts, shooting him a nasty glare that would move a lesser kid. Oh. That’s a button to push later on. Craig makes a mental note of that.

“I can’t quite put into words how much I don’t care about you and Heidi,” Craig says, feeling better now that Cartman is the one caught on the back foot. “But she seems like a good person. She helped me out a while back whether she knows it or not. You, on the other hand, are not a good person. So… I kind of don’t think things are exactly how you’re putting it across.”

“Quit making me out to be the bad guy, Craig,” Cartman scowls.

“You are the bad guy!” Craig points out.

“No, Craig. That’s your negativity speaking,” Cartman says.

“Jesus,” Craig sighs in response. “I give up, not that I was trying in the first place.”

“Well congratulations on not trying, Craig. You’ve been no help at all.” Cartman scowls harder, looking entirely put out. As if Craig _asked_ for his afternoon to be interrupted by Cartman’s non-issues. Half-heartedly he sort of pities Heidi, but from what Tweek told him Kyle tried and failed. And Kyle is a lot smarter and a lot straighter than he is.

“Whatever,” Craig says. He shrugs languidly, wanting to be rid of this nuisance. “Alls I know is that relationships are supposed to make you feel stronger. I think she makes you feel stronger, but you don’t make her feel stronger.”

Cartman looks genuinely aggravated by that. Craig realises that he’s touched a nerve. A mean part of him really wants to dig deeper, press on the nerve until Cartman is squirming. The sensible part of him figures that it’s not worth it. That Cartman will get his revenge later. Not that Craig is afraid of Cartman, but he knows he can be a vindictive shit so it’s better to have him vaguely on side, rather than antagonise him too much.

“What do you know? You’re gay. You’ve got it easy. You don’t have to deal with crazy chicks,” Cartman replies tersely. Craig doesn’t question him, but he’s fairly sure that gay couples don’t have it easier than straight couples. The nastier thought that comes to him is that of Cartman deciding that girls are too much effort in the future and joining him and Tweek in the gay club. He silently prays that that’s not the case and that Cartman ends up becoming a serial killer instead.

“I can see that you agree,” Cartman says, looking more pleased than before, taking silence however he wants to, as usual.

Craig fixes him with a bored, half-lidded stare. “Was that all?”

“I’m getting nowhere with you. Should’ve guessed that the gay world and the straight world are too different from each other.”

“Uhuh. Sure. Plus I actually give a shit about being a good boyfriend,” Craig adds, balking at the thought of being compared to that shit show again.

“Heh, gay,” Cartman snickers. Figures.

“Sure,” Craig says. He can’t be bothered to fight and he gets the feeling that Cartman will leave him alone now. He turns to open his door and beat a swift retreat, the lure of Stripe #4’s adventure playground strong. “Good luck,” he mutters as he steps over the threshold and into the warm safety of his home.

Cartman sends him a “Thanks, bro,” before he can fully shut the door.

 _I meant for Heidi_ , Craig thinks.

When Craig descends the bottom step to his basement, he sits down on his ass and considers his project. He thinks about how he’s not just doing it for Stripe #4, but how he’s doing it for himself and for Tweek. About how they argued about the colour of the tubes, how Tweek had spasmed and snapped one of the more expensive pieces, how they’d agreed that it didn’t matter after Tweek’s subsequent freak-out, and how Tweek is trusting him to finish it off to their design. He thinks about how something so lame and so simple brings so much enjoyment and accomplishment to them both. He thinks about how much pleasure he gets from building something side-by-side with Tweek.

There’s a metaphor there… somewhere. Craig doesn’t dwell on it, reaching instead for the animal-safe glue. But a stray thought hits him as he starts zoning out: he hopes that Heidi finds someone to build her own version of Stripe 4#’s adventure playground with one day.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I. need. to. stop. 
> 
> I have a full-time job and a household to co-manage. But apparently I have time to obsess over ten year olds in a super healthy relationship. 
> 
> Sob.


End file.
